by Billy Kirk October 11, 2017

There are some cool, inventive Halloween outfits out there.

These are not them.

Granted, the below aren’t truly the worst or at least the most offensive Halloween outfits available—we avoided anything that targeted individuals and such. These are, however, insanely lame. If you show up to a party like this and are shunned, you have no one to blame but yourself.

But hey, maybe these are so stupid they’ll be a conversation starter with the hot guy/girl in the room. Just maybe!

But yeah, probably not.


1. Trouser Snake Charmer Costume


Buy It: Amazon

We leave you with only the official pic and the description for this one: “Your snake is attached to the magic flute with an invisible cord to make it obey your every command.”


2. Adult Giant Boob Costume


Buy It: Costumeish

These are the actual names of the costumes—we aren’t rewriting them. And yup, this is… exactly as advertised. Nothing juvenile to see here, folks!

“Our giant boob costume is every guys dream. This funny Halloween costume also makes a great buddy costume idea.” Oh, yeah, of course it does.


3. Sumo Wrestler Shoulder Rider Costume

Buy It: Target

Who amongst us hasn’t dreamt of scaling the shoulders of a sumo wrestler to triumphantly ring in All Hallow’s Eve? And it’s only 100 bucks! Our dream bargain.


4. Adult Toilet Costume


Buy It: Walmart

Walmart’s here to make sure that no matter where your friends are at 1 a.m. on Halloween night, they’ll have a place to take a whiz—all thanks to you. “But officer, it’s not public urination if you’re using a toilet!”

Honestly, we’re not even trying to come up with a legit reason for this costume’s existence. The idea should have been flushed. (You’re welcome for that pun.)


5. Men’s Sperm Costume


Buy It: CostumePub

There’s actually a juiced-up, ‘roided-out “Super Sperm” costume out there, but hey, c’mon, you want a classy, old-fashioned and timeless look for Halloween 2017, right? And boy, does the “Men’s Sperm Costume” deliver! From the official description: “I think we are going to need a bigger condom!” Wow. Fantastic job by the web copy guy/gal.

Also, did anyone else immediately think of a Hostess chocolate cupcake? Yeah… so our lives are pretty much ruined now.

6. Soccer Ball Costume

Buy It: Costumeish

Dressing up purely as a “sportsball” of any kind is literally never going to be a good look—like, what’s the point?—but the timing on choosing a soccer ball could absolutely not be worse. Only yesterday, the United States men's national soccer team (USMNT) failed to qualify for the World Cup for the first time since 1986 in a 2-1 defeat to Trinidad & Tobago. It included a friggin’ “own goal” and is what many are calling “the most embarrassing defeat in U.S. soccer history.”

Yeah. This costume sucks.

Billy Kirk
Billy Kirk